Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
