yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
