At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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