He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
