i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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