i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
