yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize