Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
