her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
