the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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