new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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