Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
