There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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