Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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