i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
