i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
