Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
