It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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