Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i love accidental penises.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
