K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
