He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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