don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
