I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can't special order awesome
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
