Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
