hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
