who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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