what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
