Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
