If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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