Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
