this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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