On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
