Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
