Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
