Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
