Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
