hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
