dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
