i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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