I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
