At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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