Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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