I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
