You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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