Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
