There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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