I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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