I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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