I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
