Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
