saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
