do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
