My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
