but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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