He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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