My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I believe in your delicious
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
