I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
