What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
