On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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