im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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