from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
