My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
